While we all know that gender is both an enacted and
learned behavior, falling across a wide and nuanced spectrum while
simultaneously filtered through the prism of individual experience, we hold
these observations to be applicable in what clinically-trained personnel refer
to as "a whole lotta cases" or "most of the time, especially on
weekends":
1. Men care way too little about what women say. Women
care way too much about what men say--except when those men are in positions of
actual power, such as are held by politicians or members of the clergy, who are
making decisions and choices that will affect the deepest recesses and corners
of our most intimate lives without actually, like, consulting us. In that case,
we should listen even more closely. Maybe even speak up.
2. Men care way too much about how women look. Women
care as little as they can possibly stand caring about how men look.
3. Women will smile even when they are unhappy until a
certain point of intimacy occurs (perhaps the procurement of the third drink
or, in some more severely regulated communities, the birth of the third child)
after which they might never smile again, even for professional photographs,
although when they're actually happy, they'll laugh themselves silly. They just
won't fake it anymore. Men will either smile or not smile as evidenced by
pictures taken of them from infancy onwards. Men's smiles are not situational.
They are constitutional; they are genetically determined.
4. Men laugh when they find something funny. Women laugh
when they think it's appropriate. (nb: This, thank gawd, is beginning to change
but it ain't changing fast enough.)
5. If a man wants to challenge a woman's viewpoint, he
will worry momentarily about being a bully. If a woman wants to challenge a
man's viewpoint, she will worry, depending on geography, religion and history,
whether she will be stoned to death in the middle of the village square.
6. Women know that if there's a mess in the kitchen,
somebody has to clean it. Men believe that if there's a mess in the kitchen,
it's nature's way of maintaining the cycle of life in all its richness and
abundance. (Men under the age of thirty have been known to regard used pizza
boxes as "compost" and therefore regard themselves as preservers of
nature's bounty.)
7. Men think it's important to clean cars. Women think
cleaning cars is like cleaning the bottom of your shoes. You shouldn't have to
do this if you learn to leave the things outside. If you keep them in the
living room, it's different. Otherwise, who cares?
8. Women will, when perfectly sober, say, "I love
you!" to their friends but will rarely put their friends in a
faux-strangle-hold after a few drinks and say this while giving
"nuggies" to the most sensitive part of the friend's scalp during the
announcement. With men, it's the opposite.
9. Men consider parallel parking an accomplishment
especially if only automotive molecules can measure the distance between
vehicles. Women just want to park either close to the entrance or far away
enough from the entrance to collect points for the pedometer.
10. There are no real differences between men and women
except what we have constructed and imagined in our various cultures. The
differences between women and men are, of course, just the opposite.
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