Reasons Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorced

According to the internet…

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are divorcing after two years of marriage, and the well-informed gossip writers of the world have dug deep into finding out what, exactly, is going on.

Here are reasons for the split, compiled from the internet, which is completely trustworthy.

1. angelina hired a private investigator who discovered that Brad was having an affair with Marion Cotillard

Page Six has it on good authority that the divorce comes as a result of Jolie’s hiring of a private investigator which uncovered an affair with Pitt and his Allied co-star, Cotillard. Is Pitt just being linked to Cotillard because she’s a pretty woman who happens to be appearing in a film with him? How dare you ask that question. This is journalism.

2. Brad and Angelina had parenting differences

TMZ, in its breaking of the divorce, debunked the Cotillard rumors and said that the breakup is a result of Brad and Angelina having different parenting styles. This seems almost believable, which is why I choose not to believe it.

3. Brad mentioned gwyneth paltrow’s name in his sleep

This story was blown wide open by the dogged investigatory journalists at Morning News USA and The National Enquirer, who reported that Angelina was very upset because Brad apparently said Gwyneth Paltrow’s name in his sleep one night, which apparently led to the dissolution of their marriage. Seems rock solid.

4. Brad went to Croatia with his friends

This one comes to us from In Touch Weekly, who said that the “final straw” for the couple came when Pitt refused to spend the last few weeks of summer with his family and instead traveled to Croatia for some bro time with his bros. I’ve never been to Croatia. I hear it’s lovely.

5. Brad smoked and drank too much and had an anger problem

This also comes from TMZ, who implied that this was the cause of the so-called parenting issues above.

6. Brad and Jen reconnected

The Old Faithful of Brad Pitt tabloid stories. You can set your watch to them. I look forward to reading these stories into my old age.

So anyway, there you have it. Through basic deduction, we can conclude that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorced because a drunk, high, angry, Croatia-bro-downing Pitt was having affairs with Marion Cotillard, Jennifer Aniston, and Gwyneth Paltrow, perhaps at the same time, all of which was happening in front of his children. And also Angelina Jolie is an alien reptoid.